Look I’ve played a lot of games, I’d play more if I could. The FF7 alldayers bring back very fond memories, I’m a saddo, I know. Unfortunately times have changed, somehow I find myself all grown up, I’ve got responsibilities, sometimes I play golf. I’m not quite sure how I got here but suddenly I’m lucky if I can squeeze in a full Halo match between nappy changes, I’m so tired, sometimes I have to cook for myself. What I’m trying to say is that my game time is precious. To link together a few un-interupted hours is a feet of extreme time-management, I play late against annoying kids from the USA. When I play a game, I just want to have fun. I don’t want hours of repetition to gain virtual achievements, what are they for anyway! I’m not looking for hidden levels to unlock new avatar costumes,  who cares about that? To ensure my fingers get a proper exercise I play about a game a month. If the game is good I’ll play it faster to the detriment of my sleep and childcare capabilities.

Prologue over, El Shaddai took me 3 long weeks to complete. I could have dragged it out more but I wanted it done and dusted. I’d been lured by bright lights and Flashback esq 2D screenshots. For all the visual pomp (and it does look amazing) this game has a flaw, the actual game. I suppose you could compare it to that film Transformers 3, which I’ve never seen, but I’ve heard the rumours.

El Shaddai ticked boxes even before I’d opened the box. The game is based on ‘The Book of Enoch’ an ancient religious text that is regarded as canonical by some Christian Churches. Enoch is the great grandfather of Noah (who built the Ark) and he is commanded by God to return to earth and hunt down a pack of fallen Angels, referred to as Watchers. I like games that tackle bigger issues, I’ve shot down a lot of invading aliens but I haven’t done many missions for the big man ‘tick’. Also it’s visually amazing, I don’t do drugs but if they’re as good as this I’m in. It’s abstract, surrealist, minimalist and occasionally haunting, oh and sometimes it’s like Kirby – yeah the fat pink thing from Nintendo ‘tick’. Now I’m old I like old things so blow my bloomers this game has some 2D platform sections that are actually pretty tricky ‘tick’.

I’m rebelling against the tosspots who yell out racist slurs to each whilst playing Call of Duty. This game says I’m an intellectual, I want to love this game. I’m eager to be lured into a deep and colourful pseudo-religious world. Obviously Ignition Games have other ideas and have created a game about a random blonde guy who has to jump over moving platforms whilst beating up a host of enemies. I’m pretty sure the Jewish scribes had exactly this in mind 2000 years ago. There is a narrative but it’s so hard to follow. Lucifer is there on his mobile phone and you occasionally catch him chatting to God about your progress. I think Lucifer was still a goody at this point. There are Nephilim, these are the spawn of Angels and humans, they look like Kirby (fat pink things) and they bounce. There are four Arch-Angels on your team that fly about transfigured into swans, they give you small chunks of advice whilst the scenery shifts about like a hard house music video. Did I mention the boss battles? No, not the actual boss battles but the ones that keep popping up vs a fallen Angel that you can’t actually win. Yeah they’re annoying.

The combat system promises lots but if I’m honest it’s just button bashy and repetitive. I’ve read reviews that praise these simple yet innovative mechanics, apparently it’s easy to play hard to master. I guess these reviewers have cut and paste that phrase from the games press release, as it’s not the case at all. You press jump, hit or block, and you hit them until the enemy is dead. Yes, there are a few tricks up Enoch’s sleeve like charging attacks and countering but after I did this a few times I ended up relying on the standard mash combo. Hitting attack, delaying and then hitting attack again causes a guard break attack, trust me this is useful advice!

There are three heavenly weapons to choose from. Arch which is mostly used like a sword, Vale which is a projectile weapon and Gale which gives you big fists. The enemies themselves are armed with these weapons revealing a paper/scissor/stone element, each weapon having an advantage over another. For you to change weapon, you mostly have to steal it from a dazed opponent, they are then defenseless and ripe for a biblical ninja whipping. It’s fun for a bit, like Double Dragon on LSD but I’m afraid the paper/scissor/stone thing is a bit ropey, I just used whatever on whoever until they stayed the F down.

I’ll ignore the boss battles you can’t win, there were times when I was at one with the madness and these seemed to make sense. Enoch’s job is to kick ass against seven fallen Angels, this should be gaming gold. Instead it’s rather boring and occasionally frustrating. I struggled often to know where to hit, when to hit and if my hits were hurting at all. I’d let this go but it happened on multiple occasions, bad Ignition Games. If you get KOd you get several chance to breath life back into your broken body by mashing buttons. Just keep mashing buttons.

I’m pretty sure my 13 week old son would give this game full marks. He attention was rapidly drawn from play-mat to screen and he was soon transformed into a mouth foaming stupour. My ecstasy was shorter lived. So much potential, visually superior but flawed in it’s execution. There remain good reasons to play this game. I reckon with a bit of TLC they could nail the sequel but tweaks are required. The 2D sections are a welcome challenge, it’s been a while. The bulk of the game remains short of greatness, not worthy of a replay that’s fo sho. I couldn’t help thinking of Bayonetta whilst I hammered the attack button. Now there’s a game.

El Shaddai (Ascension of the Metatron) 6/10